Marriage ruined after Twins? Overcoming Common Challenges

Keeping the marriage exciting after twins can be quite the challenge. Working on your marriage might be the last thing on your mind with new babies that need to be held, fed and changed every few hours, mom is recovering from labor and older children still need to be cared for.

Marriages struggle after having twins because of the increased cost of living, more household chores, sharing a space more people, encountering differences in parenting styles, less me-time for each parent and less connection time for the couple. Overcoming these challenges requires more communication around emotional and tangible needs and working together to tackle navigate a more complex family structure.

In this article, we break down the common challenges marriages encounter after having twins and detailed steps to overcome them.

Financial burden of multiples

Adding two new members of the family will immediately add to your bottom line. Parents of twins will have to purchase diapers, formula or breastfeeding tools on a recurring basis, which can get pretty costly. For feeding, babies will need the basics: bottles, nipples, a bottle warmer and cleaning supplies. The home will need basinets, changing table, a baby bath, clothes storage and baby proofing.

How to prepare for the financial increase of having twins:

• Create a baby budget before your babies arrives.
• Get must-have items from family and friends. Instead of filling your baby shower wish list with baby booties and matching outfits, ask for strollers, car seats and diapers.
• Don’t be afraid to use hand-me-downs. Ask local parents or friends with older children for gently used clothes and toys instead of buying new. Purchase from a thrift store when necessary.
• Choose what matters in advance. Look for places to cut back in the monthly budget to make room for the new, recurring expenses you’ll incur.

Preparing in advance for your twins’ arrival will make sure you have a budget that you’re confident in and can better handle the financial adjustment.

Increased household duties

Twins will add additional domestic chores before they arrive, including preparing the twins’ room, setting up diaper stations, cribs, organizing clothes for now and gifts for later ages and stages. Immediately following the birth, baby feedings occur every three hours with diaper changes just as often. If babies were delivered via C-section, dad will have to take care of mom while taking on a higher percent of the child care during mom’s recovery.

All of this in addition to your normal chores of daily cooking, cleaning, tidying and hygiene (if you’re lucky). If you have older children, parents will also make their best attempt at serving older children with the same love, care and attention as before the new bundles of joy arrived.

To maintain your marriage during a time where new domestic chores are at an all-time high:

• Share the burden as much as possible. Take turns sleeping while the other watches the kids.
• Ask your partner for help. Forget being supermom or super dad, instead try being super-supporting mom and dad to make sure both partners feel cared for, as rested as possible and understood.
• Move in with family to help out. Parents and grandparents can be incredibly helpful in filling in gaps while you navigate your new family dynamic by caring for babies or cooking meals for you.
• Don’t sweat the small things. Somedays you won’t shower and other days you’ll leave the dishes in the sink. Allow yourself to be present in the moment rather than worrying about whether you got it all right.

What’s most important in this moment is that you took care of yourself and your children while you discover your new normal together.

Sharing the space with multiples

The number of people in your home increases the second you bring your twins home from the hospital. If you had extra space before, some of that will be sacrificed to make room for the new babies. We had to give up our home office when we brought our baby boys home.

How to overcome a smaller living space after twins:

• Create the space for things you love. If you always had a wall for your giant white board, choose a wall that can be your new white board even if it doesn’t look great aesthetically.
• Make sure you still have personal space. My husband and I both work from home and need to be separated during the day so we moved his office to the living room.

Sharing your space with two new family members may mean that you have to get a little creative with the space you have.

Differences in parenting styles

While you and your partner may have connected on your similar values before marriage, it’s nearly impossible that you agree on all parenting ideas at all times. One parent may prefer softer touch while the other is a disciplinarian. One parent may have stricter rules while the other prefers more free spirited parenting.

To maintain your relationship in the face of alternative views on parenting:

• Speak directly and honestly. It may feel easier to ignore a difficult conversation, allowing it to be the elephant in the room. Have the hard conversation now so it doesn’t blow up later.
• Let your partner win. There will be some things your partner wants for the twins that just aren’t a big deal for you – let them win.
• Understand that you both want what’s best for the children. Misunderstandings about how to raise children will happen. But if you approach every conversation with the fundamental belief that you both want what’s best for the children you can reach an honest conclusion.
• Don’t be afraid to negotiate. Maybe you can’t get everything you want, but is there a way to meet half way?

No matter how you believe a child should be raised, there are two parents raising the child so concessions will have to be made somewhere.

Less “me time”

When twins join the family, the workload increases, the amount of time caring for children increases and very often, there’s not much left over for parents to care for themselves. The hobbies and self-care activities parents were accustomed to with out children or with less children fall to the wayside to make room for the new normal. The lack of time to care for themselves can leave parents feeling burned out with the addition of twins.

Increased stress and discontent personally can lead to marital issues as each individual navigates their mental space differently and at their own pace.

How to stay sane after having twins.

• Take solo vacations. Ask your partner and other family for support in watching the children so you can take a break.
• Express personal needs and goals. If there is a goal you want to reach or something you’re unsatisfied with, let your partner know so you can work together on creating the space for it.
• Ask always ask “how” to make desires a reality. Rather than thinking “I can’t do that” or “where will I find the time”, always ask “how can we make this happen?” This can encourage more creativity in pursuing your goals.
• Encourage your partner to take solo vacations. Marriage is all about support and compromise. Be the support system that you want to have.
• Get babies on a sleep schedule as soon as possible. Once your babies are able to sleep through the night, you’ll be able to get a better night’s sleep and wake up ready to take on a new day.

Many parents struggle to continue reaching for their goals and taking that me-time after children, but if you overcome the idea and feeling that you must be there for every moment you can carve out some space to find yourself.

Less time together as a couple

After having twins, finding time to spend together becomes nearly impossible for many couples.

There’s barely any time to be romantic with the logistics of feeding children, feeding ourselves, changing diapers, finding time for our teen daughter and keeping up with other general house and health errands. Not to mention, there’s little desire to be romantic with all of the medication I was on after the C-Section.

How to maintain the romance in your marriage after having twins:

• Find low-energy ways to spend time together. Find a movie on Netflix, watch a creator you like on YouTube or a reality show to gossip about.
• Don’t require a field trip for date night. Many parents don’t want to leave the house, especially if mom is recovering from a rough delivery. Order delivery from your favorite restaurant, pay for a virtual show and light some candles.
• Ask family for help. It’s easier to find a quick date night babysitter if you live with family after having twins.
• Dream about your ideal future together. Having conversations about where you see the relationship going will help both partners clarify what they want and how to get there together.

More family logistics

Twins add to the family workload on a daily basis from having more children to schedule doctors appointments for, more mouths to feed and making bottles or breastfeeding babies several times a day.

When my twins were first born, my husband and I slept on opposite schedules so we could both get a full 8 hours of sleep while feeding the baby every three hours. He’s a night owl, so he took care of the 9PM – 3AM feeding. As a morning person, I’d feed the babies from 6AM – 12PM.

These new domestic chores comes in addition to the increased appointments for the recovering new mom and taking care of older children and everyday lifestyle care like home cleaning, car maintenance, bills and grocery runs. More to do inevitably shakes up the family dynamic as parents must figure out how to do it all without losing their minds.

To thrive while navigating more family needs and logistics after twins:

• Take control of things that feel right for you. If it’s easier for you to take the lead on the family finances, take that off your partner’s plate. Alternatively,
• Ask where help is needed if you have bandwidth. Your partner may need help and may not realize that you have additional capacity to help out. Always offer.
• Understand that the frequency of tasks will slow down over time. Your children will only eat every three hours for a short time. Doctor check-ins and immunizations will slow to a longer-term cadence. One day, your twins will hold their own bottles, crawl and start walking. The more independent they become, the less logistics your family will have to manage.

Harder to get out of the house

Getting out of the house with twin infants is nearly impossible. Prior to having twins, you could walk out the door within minutes of getting ready. After twins, parents must pack the baby bag, make sure both twins have fresh diapers, warm clothes, baby hats and are tucked away in the car seat before venturing out. The process of leaving can explode to nearly an hour.

Even with twin 1-year-olds, it takes us nearly 45 minutes to leave the house… every time.

The difficulty of getting out of the house with twins can lead to turning down opportunities to hang with friends, less road trips, less vacations, less picnics in the park and less overall enjoyment and excitement in every day life. While it’s certainly easier to stay home with your twins, it’s also dull… very dull.

How to maintain excitement in your marriage after having twins:

• Leave the twins at home. Find a babysitter that you can leave your children with so you can leave the house comfortably. This is easier if you live with family, but you can ask a friend to come over or pay for a sitter.
• Get used to the packing up process. Some things are “just the way it is” and packing up twins to leave the house is one of those things. Accept the process and difficult for now and do it anyway.

The twins are here to stay, it’s worth taking the time to create a life that you love where the twins are apart of a fun life and don’t take away from it.